taking myself less seriously

an introvert's perspective on living in the city

Today, I was walking to the shop to buy new pens. I have been looking for a specific kind for a while now, but have not been able to find them. I bought some and, although they are not the same, they write a little bit more freely than my old ones. Now that I am writing this, I wonder how that last sentence resembled me in a way too.

Usually, I hate being surrounded by people. I prefer my solitude. My soul craves to be alone. When I think of an introverted person, I do not think of someone living in a big city. That’s why I wonder how I ended up walking down the streets of Madrid feeling more comfortable than I did back home in my small town.

I moved to the city a year ago to study my master’s degree. Now, I live here with my husband. I have always wanted to travel and see as much of the world as I can in my tiny amount of time in existence. Another part of me always wished to escape the town I grew up in as it was a small town where everyone knows everyone. A place where you can’t even go to the grocery store without seeing someone you know. There is nothing wrong with that, but as an introvert, it can be a bit exhausting.

Something has always drawn me to visit Spain after watching a vlog about ten years ago of a girl traveling there. My first international trip was to Spain, and I traveled alone. I fell in love with it and I think moving here will always have some foundational aspect to the rest of my life. I have spent half of my 20s traveling here. It will forever be the first place I went to in order to step out of my comfort zone. I have grown up here and lived by myself for the first time. The biggest step I have taken to date was the one onto that plane five years ago.

I’ve learned more about myself while being here more than anywhere else. I’ve gained confidence in who I am and feel comfortable with myself more than ever. I think it roots back to how living in a big city almost makes you feel invisible. Not in the way that I don’t matter, but yes, in a way that I do not matter. Invisible in the way that mountains make you feel small and keep you wondering about your significance on this planet. The city makes you feel unimportant in the way that the ocean reminds you that you are not the center of the universe. The city allows me to take myself a little bit less seriously.

The hustle and the bustle of the city moves around me. People are more occupied with flagging down a taxi, making their next turn in their own direction, waiting for the crosswalk signal to turn green, watching for their bus number in the distance, or simply admiring the buildings. People are more worried about themselves and their own busy life rather than who I am or what I’m wearing. And that makes me feel safe. The city makes me feel like my life is my own and that no one is judging it or trying to change my mind. You may embarrass yourself. That’s only human. But you will most likely never see these people again in your life.

I take myself less seriously now. Not in a wearing-my-pajamas-in-public kind of way (what’s wrong with that?) but in the wearing-whatever-the-hell-i-want kind of way. I wear outfits that I would never put on back at home. People here dress nicely and creatively. I wear clothes that make me feel good and it’s dressier than normal. Dressy doesn’t stick out in the city. One thing I do not do in my small town is dress up. That is the best way to draw attention to yourself (because most people are wearing pajamas or athleisure clothes in public). But dressing up in the city is like fitting in, but in the i’m-invisble kind of way. I do know, however, that my american-style sneakers stand out here. I will die in my New Balance before I walk these streets in kitten heels (but you go, girl).

As I was using my new pen to write these thoughts in my journal, I realized that I move through the city a bit more freely now. Don’t get me wrong, I still get mentally drained when I am out for too long and some areas are too overstimulating for me. But when I walk out the door, I’m just another person on the street to everyone around me. I don’t have to perform. I do not have to be someone who I am not meant to be. I can be me, and for everyone around me, that is perfectly okay. And for an introvert, it feels freeing.

how i feel in the city | source

With love,

L.L.