avoiding the love word

my piece contributing to the journal factory explosion

Love is such a fragile thing. With a freshly broken heart, I try to avoid anything related to love at all costs. It hits too close to the wound. It’s too soon, and it’s a reminder that love doesn’t always work out.

Life is built on love. We’re constantly seeking love in people and places and things that cross our path every day. It’s one of our most unique and important instincts in the human realm. Our hearts are constantly searching for something to hold close with gentle hands and to nurture a feeling of an internal home in this world of uncertainty. We can’t go far without finding love—even when we try to avoid it.

I can’t finish my current romance novel read. I have less than one hundred pages left, but I can’t bring myself to read their happy ending. I started it because I needed something simple and sweet in between a fantasy series. During my time reading this romance novel, I have been growing close to someone where love could’ve been a possibility. Now that things are over and no longer being pursued at the moment, I can’t look at that romance novel without being reminded of my own failed attempt at love. I can’t read about someone’s picture perfect made up love story when I just lost something special myself.

I’ve had a few relationships over the past years, and I feel lucky to say that at the same time it hurts to look back at how many times I’ve had my heart broken. I’m no casual dater—I’m going all in. I fall hard. I’ve felt that feeling too many times of getting out of bed and remembering all over again that it’s over and I have to move on and face the day without them. I know too well that feeling of emptiness and the void that sits in my chest that can’t be filled by anyone else but myself when they’re gone.

When I’ve just had my heart broken, the word love makes me feel sick. Seeing happy couples breaks me a little. Reading sappy love poems and hearing songs on the radio about soulmates and second chances closes a dark cloak of grief and heaviness around me. When the love word comes up, I replay what I’ve lost again in my head and feel hopeless that I’ll find anything close to that feeling again. Each love is different and no relationship is the same, so deep down, I know that form and version of love is irreplaceable. And that’s what makes it hurt even more.

I’m back to reading my dense fantasy series again and I couldn’t be happier about it. I can’t bring myself to finish that romance novel right now, and I’m allowing myself to accept that it’s okay. I can’t get past the word “lover” in a substack post right now. I can’t watch a movie with a cute couple looking at each other with their eyes glazed over in affection. I can’t think about it right now, but I know that I’ll find that beautiful emotion of love to be acceptable soon enough. Because I do have the experience of putting myself back together after this period of grief, I know I’ll come back around. I can’t avoid the love word forever.

Because what is life without love? I can’t live without it and I won’t. Love is one of the greatest joys of living. No matter how difficult it is to think about love after heartbreak, I’d fall again and again. Although I find myself a bit more hesitant to jump into a relationship right now, I hope to never find myself fearing love.

The process of falling for someone is so sweet and such a deep feeling that overcomes all the sadness after heartbreak. It’s the butterflies of nervousness on first dates and the fireworks of joy when you’re truly having fun. It’s that first touch of grazed skin that turns into electricity. It’s the moment when you see the promise in their eyes and the sweet words that come from their lips to tell you it’s true.

Love is worth crying over. Love is worth the grief. Love is worth the pain.

The days will keep coming and the heartbreak will hurt less. I’m still searching for the day when I meet who one who stays—the one who makes the search worth the journey of pain it took to find them. That love will make it all worthwhile.

With love,

L.L.